i am the bullet, you are the bullseye.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:58:32 GMT

I won't spill my guts on a public forum anymore, no matter how private its supposed to be.

I'm living on shattered faith, the kind that likes to restrict your breath.

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 03:49:26 GMT

Tonight
I was completely aware
Of my own physical reaction
Due to rage.

My body got hot, starting with my face.
My stomach turned.
My vision blurred.
My knees went weak.
My throat was on fire. On. Fucking. Fire. Like I had swallowed bleach or something.

It was so weird to be that in tune with my senses. I physically felt every part of my anger and humilation, it wasn't just emotional. I recognized it and it was actually kind of cool that my rage was so controlled that it allowed me to acknowledge what my body was screaming at me.

I think I can thank my medication for that.
So now I'm sitting outside smoking a stale clove and drinking a can of Budweiser, wishing I could go to the beach but its too late at night and I don't want my corpse stuffed into a drainage culvert. My back is against the front door and I can hear one of the cats meowing to be let out. Its obnoxious.

My ass, thighs and knees hurt from 28729 lunges. I took a break from the gym today to let my body heal. I now feel fat, lazy, and lethargic. But that could be the beer talking.

I miss my Katy. <3
I love my Brody. <3 who is starting to read.
and add numbers.

I am a revanent.

<3<3<3

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:39:11 GMT

Happy 4th birthday, Brody!!!!!

My poor baby is sick, looks like with strep again...he had a 103 degree temp last night. We're laying in my bed watching the 80's Transformers movie for the 653rd time in 6 days...anyway he has a Dr's appt at 4.

I finished Breaking Dawn and I'm thoroughly depressed about it. It was so good and now...its over. I've passed it on to my mum who swore she was saving it for the plane trip to Mexico but I doubt she can wait that long.

Meh, I need to clean my room. Mt. Everest: The Clothes Version exists on my floor.

<3<3<3

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 19:39:21 GMT

I'm at a kids birthday party right now.
Needless to say I'm bored......
....and I really just wish I was in my bed reading Breaking Dawn.....
My baby will be 4 on monday...I can't believe it....
I'm pmsing really bad...
I saw Batman, it was fucking amazing...
I love my friends.......
Monday nights have been awesome/dramatic......
I have been having waaaay too much fun lately.... :D
I filled out my financial aid for school...
Next up is picking my classes....I see a rash of history and art, to ease myself back into the insanity....
I miss my sister terribly.....
I'm broke as shit.....
I think I have ADHD. And I'm not kidding.....
I want to get married...and have another baby....someday....
It takes me too long to catch on to things....am I dumb or naive or...both?

<3<3<3

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 05:56:43 GMT

I'm about to have a nervous fucking breakdown.

I hate you.

metal heart, you're not worth a thing...

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 13:13:42 GMT

If I don't get a decent nights sleep soon, I'm going to die.

Between cats and Brody I'm screwed.

Erins bf Brad got here yesterday, with his monstrous cat Beast in tow. At some ungodly time in the morning/night I woke up to growling and I was like "what the fuck? I don't have dogs here." Kashmir and Beast had busted open my door and were about to have a cat throwdown in my room. When they started hissing at each other, I jumped out of bed and grabbed Kashmir. I threw her in my bathroom and shut the door. I let Beast do whatever the fuck he wanted, as he has to get acclimated and Kashmir was being a little bitch.

So I pass back out then I hear Kashmir yowling to get out so I get out of bed for the 5th time to let her out and the stupid cat had shit in my bathtub. Grrrrrrrrr...

And of course before, in between and after this cat fun, I'm battling with Brody to STAY IN HIS BED. PLEASE. PLLLLLEEEEAAASSSSE! I finally gave up at like 5 am, let him climb into bed with me and immediately regretted the decison, but I passed out before I could put him in his bed for the 4th time that night. I have the gate up, I need to just get some balls and shut it and let him deal with it. He's nearly 4, he can handle it.

I need. Some fucking. Sleep. Straight through the night, no getting up.

I have tattoo fever, it sucks that I'm poor.

Zoo today! I hope I don't pass out from exhaustion and fall into the crocodile pit and get eaten or something (yah I'm not melodramatic or anything...)

<3<3<3

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:54:13 GMT

I love Brody so much it hurts.
If I think about it too hard I want to cry.
I go to sleep every night feeling guilty, like there's so much more I could be doing.
I don't want to take anything for granted.
I feel aware to the point of neurosis.
I just...love him.
More than my heart can:
Comprehend
Bear

Its painful.

<3<3<3

Thu, 29 May 2008 01:50:28 GMT

I'm sick with strep. Again.
So is Brody.
We're laying in my bed right now watching Wow! Wow! Wubzy.
I re-enrolled back in college. I'm trying to start Summer B classes but I'm not sure it will happen. Getting sick just messed me up...
My sister got a job at Westjet. Free fliiights to Canada, Mexico and random places in the US. Yaaaay!
I was watching Last of the Mohicans earlier. I find it fascinating that the British and French were so pissed off at each other that they brought their neverending war to America. My geek out for the day.
I watched a documentary called Jesus Camp. It was an inside look at a childrens Evangelical Christian summer camp. I thought it was going to be amusing, but on the contrary it was disturbing as fuck. It should be retitled "watch a crazy woman manipulate children for 2 hours."
The hair show is this weekend.
I move a week from friday.
Super stressed, that's probably how I got sick again.
Brody has a full on dinosaur obsession. My baby is going to be in kindergarten next year omgggg. :( I'm not ready.

Enough for now my fucking head is pounding.

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:36:55 GMT

it has been a really really bad day.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:33:17 GMT

brody and his awesome girlfriend zoe.<3<3<3

mega stressed.
bleeding money.
dead at work.
tigi test out monday.

MEGHAN IN 4 DAYS.

<3<3<3

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:30:55 GMT

- I have met so many douche bags lately its almost painful

- move out date is June 6th....I'm so fucking excited. Moving in with Erin and her daughter Zoe to a 4 bedroom apartment. Its huge and my rent isn't horrible and I'm so so happy.

- MEGHAN IS HERE APRIL 28TH!!!!!!!!

- which also happens to be my test out date for the TIGI ambassador program, which is fucking terrifying me, as my study time has been grossly limited.

- Speaking of TIGI, Hotlanta on Sunday for the Colour With Style class. Everyone is going to be there, should be a great experience.

- Speaking of TIGI again I'm working the Premier Show June 1st and 2nd. I'll be at the booth, come see meeeee...

- I'm meeting my aunt at the show and staying with her. I haven't seen her in almost 8 years and I'm nervous but excited.

- I've been cooking a lot. Which is nice.

- I've also been trying to get rid of mass quantities of shit. And I really have a lot of shit. My closet is an atrocity.

- As much as I'm digging the hair scene, I'm going back to school in the fall to get an english degree. Not full time crazy, but just eventually get there. I want to have as many degrees as possible. English first, then history then possibly teaching. I'll be doing hair for quite a long time, but I also want to do other things. I just feel dumb, and I've been talking about going back to school for a while so I'm going to actually do it.

- Still trying to figure out a way to afford Operation Paris Nov. 13th or bust.

- Work is...really something else, let me tell you. I'm just going to shut up now..cause at least its not Hot Heads anymore.

- Erin and I are going to Orlando Saturday to go to Ikea. Super stoked.

- My mall lovah and I had a tea party on Sunday. Sounds juvenile, yes, but it was a blast. We also had a mid 90"s movie marathon that started with Fear and ended with The Craft.

- I'm obsessed with the Tudors...like obsessed...

- All in all, my friends have been so hugely supportive of me lately, I couldn't ask for better people to surround myself with and trust. <3

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:08:17 GMT

I
am
see-
through.

transparent.
unbalanced.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 15:49:59 GMT

i dont know if i'm sick or if i have baddd allergies...but my throat is so sore and everything is swollen and it really really really hurts to swallow.

shitty fucking timing.

someone help me. i need to get brody to sleep in his own bed.
he is quite literally kicking the shit out of me while he's sleeping.
my ribs are battered from a series of unconscious, vicious kicks.

ok...i'm going to lay down.
my phone seriously needs to fucking stop ringing.
i'm about to throw it out the window.

<3<3<3

Katy and I are probably offensive.

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 00:16:54 GMT

fxcsuxlikewhoa: Do you work tomorrow?
sweetk1116: no thanks fucking christ on a bike
fxcsuxlikewhoa: Dude I love your sacreligious terms
sweetk1116: christ on a cracker janice.
fxcsuxlikewhoa: I was watching elizabeth the golden age last night and you bet your ass if I lived in the 1500's I would be on team elizabeth. Fuck bloody mary and her catholic craziness
sweetk1116: mary was a hater
fxcsuxlikewhoa: Mary was a haterrrrr
fxcsuxlikewhoa: She burned motherfuckers for less
sweetk1116: for reals
fxcsuxlikewhoa: Crazy ass ho
fxcsuxlikewhoa: Hard to believe anne boleyns daughter was the greatest ruler of england. Whores represent!
sweetk1116: i know! more power to her

We're probably geeks too.
Being lazy has been awesome.
But I'm definitely anxious to get back to work. Which should be soon.
Went out St. Patricks day with Amanda and Justin.
Saw way too many people that I didn't want to see...
It was fucking boring overall.

Things have felt weird in general, probably because I'm not working. It feels like I'm constantly dealing in extremes. With people, work, friendships, love, Brody, religion...this definitely has the makings of new experiences but it can be hard to deal with sometimes...lack of balance and all that...

In other random news, Im considering donating my eggs to fund my birthday trip to Paris in November. My mom of all people has been like do it hahah...kind of surprising. The idea of a child running around with half of my chromosomes in their DNA is weird to think about...but not weird enough to prevent me from doing it. I figure these people need help, and I don't think many women are willing to do this.

Talk about the ultimate rejection though, if someome saw you and was like uhhh, I don't want your eggs, thanks. Hah. I'm not violently ugly, but I probably have my height working against me. It would take a 7 foot tall dudes sperm to even out the fucked up height difference.

The thing that I could never do is surregocy. That's....crazy. To be pregnant with a baby that doesn't actually belong to you....like your stomach is just an apartment for rent or something. Hmmm...

Anyway, I don't know that I'll actually donate my eggs, its just an idea for now...from what I've researched its a pretty grueling process...but the compensation is, uh, pretty awesome.

I've been looking online for flights to Paris everyday, and right now they're very expensive....I'll most likely have to wait til last minute....

This is probably the weirdest entry I've ever written.

So I guess I'll shut up now...

<3<3<3

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 01:29:33 GMT

i'm really sick of the religious right.

<3<3<3

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 03:55:41 GMT

Today I felt so relaxed and free...clearly for the first time in a while.
The reality that I'm quitting hot heads has taken an enormous weight off of my shoulders. Tomorrow I'm going in and saying peace out.

I had an awesome day with Brody. We lazed around in my bed watching Jimmy Neutron til 10, ate breakfast, cleaned his room. We went to Wal Mart to get Easter egg stuff, then to the library where he got his first library card. Of course he borrowed Hot Wheels DVDs and absolutely no books. Next time though...we came home, took a nap, folded laundry, then met Erin and her daughter Zoe for pizza. They came over after and me and Erin watched Nine Inch Nails videos, jacked music off the internet and discussed Aleister Crowley while the kids played. Erin is one of Brody's teachers at school and she is awesome. A really unique (new york) individual. I think we're going to get lawn tickets to see Radiohead May 6th in Tampa. We may or may not take the kids. Chris has never been to a concert before so I'm hoping he'll come with. He blew off an Oasis concert in '98 for a football tournament. How fucking English is that?

I find it...interesting, for lack of a better word, that a "normal" looking guy finds me attractive. He absolutely loves my tattoos and my hair...he says I look like girls from London, which could be the smoothest line ever hahaha...

Meghan is coming down next month. She's 18 now, we're going to Lollipops ahahah...I can't fucking wait to see her. Rum, chick flicks, vampires, New Found Glory sing-a-longs, Sonic...these are a few of our favorite things...<3

I'm in the best goddamned mood for the first time in a long time. I'm nervous about quitting tomorrow but what's the worst that can happen? I doubt they'll grab a sawed off and blow me away or something.

I'LL MISS MY MALL LOVVVVAAAHHH! But that means we just have to get together in good old craptastic Volusia County.

<3<3<3

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 13:06:48 GMT

Guilt and anger.
Those two emotions are a constant in my life at the moment.
And I am
So
Over
It.
What's the purpose of this?
Learning some new haircuts?
A fabulous knowledge of how exactly to use hairspray?
Tales untold of blowdrying secrets?
Wooooooooop de fuckinggggggg doooooo!

In a way more melodramatic sense it feels like I just let the world that means most to me fall apart while I let psychotic, irrational people mold me into some fucking...what? Superstar stylist? Deep person of the cosmetology universe? Millionaire stylists to the stars? Or some drooling brainless zombie, able to handle 328473 at once but do NONE of them right? What is the goddamn point of all of this?
Its been a real eye opener as far as what I DON'T want life to be like.

I was made to bring home a mannequin last night to do homework.
Riiiiiiiight.
I DID talk to Diane last night about cutting hours...but fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck Hot Heads, fuck the ambassadorship, fuck Altamonte Springs, fuck $4 a gallon for gas. Fuck model night, fuck the mall, fuck Toni and Guy. Ok well maybe not them.

I've been updating a lot.
And that's because I feel like my head is going to explode.
Can you tell?
Its easier for me to type this than to sit down with my journal and write in ink. I fall asleep everytime I try.

Speaking of falling asleep...

<3<3<3

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:55:26 GMT

I'm listening to the postal service......
.........And wondering why people are such fucking douche bags....I'm thinking of how I'm certainly not perfect and how painfully aware of my faults I really am...to the point of beating myself up over it. But then I wonder am I'm actually missing the point....?
I'm so anxious I'm practically chewing on my tongue.
Note to self...stop being so over analytical...
These thoughts are fragmented and contain only a sliver of the true emotion behind them.
I feel like some unruly teenager....

<3<3<3

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:39:15 GMT

How did things get so fucked up?

suffer the consequences.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:28:17 GMT

This is a serious bitch rant.

The depths of my unhappiness at work is starting to scare me.
I've only been here for a month. Usually I don't feel this way til about 6 to 8 months in (ha ha...ha...haaaaah).
In all seriousness though...I don't know if its exhaustion or just a phase I'm going through right now but I feel like I'm about to crack. I was an idiot last night and stayed out really late last night. Had to be up at 8 by the latestttt. Not smart, Janice. But I couldn't help it. It feels like I spend so much of my time surrounded by random people I don't give a shit about, so when I'm with people who I connect with its like I can't tear myself away. Its like I'm starving for emotion and stimulating conversation. I keep company with fucking morons all the time, and I don't mean that they're morons because they aren't familiar with great literature or something. Its like their emotional quotient is bankrupt. I gave up a long time ago on trying to find something in random people.

I digress.

I have Tigi ambassador classes at the end of this month and next month. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will lead to other job opportunities. Truth be told, fuck salons. I don't want to be in one. Again. And again, truth be told, (and this is probably a phase) unles I'm friends with you, I could give a flying fuck about your hair. Honestly. I really WANT to be in this industry but I will freak out if I'm in a salon day in and day out. I want a job with "normal" hours so I can spend time with my son, cook dinner, have weekends, settle down, raise a family with someone, travel, and not have my goddamned back hurt constantly. Is it too much to ask for?

Ok so maybe I'm just a little tired right now but...it feels like I'm trying to squash feelings that are a constant undercurrent in my life right now. I'm freaking out, my parents are freaking out, Brody is freaking out. What the fuck. Last night I'm laying down with Brody and he asked me how my day at work was. I wanted to cry.

Ok I'm going to go stalk Katy now.

<3<3<3

you and me, love and pain.

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 05:51:34 GMT

Today has been...draining. To say the least. It felt like I was in some alternate universe where I was able to operate without fully functioning. The day just kind of passed by in a haze. Katy I'm surprised I was able to hold a conversation. Sorry if I was a total crackhead during any part of our time at Alehouse together.

I'm really upset with someone right now and I don't really know how to like....deal with it. I hate confrontation. But I really feel pretty burned by this person. And I know they know it.

Work tomorrow. Hopefully its better than today. After work I'm going to hang out with English Chris so that already makes the day better by like 800. He could be calling me a fucking stupid bitch and it wouldn't matter because his accent is just beyond adorable. Typical yes, but cute nonetheless. He left me a voicemail today but all I got out of it was 'hey janice its chris akdhsjfjdkdfshjkreuidfshjkvbnksjajhsdiwsdhjierujsdherfhjddjafhjsakjcutajhswishdbakdjehajfksjehdrtqicnvkgdjahdheuifh ok ring me later.' Ummmm huh? I think I say What? At least 5 times per conversation.

I have hair all down my boobs anddddddd its pretty gross.

Philosophy Hope in a Jar is the best thing ever invented. Truly better than electricity, indoor plumbing and sliced bread. Combined.

My sense of smell has been on high alert lately. Maybe that's why I'm so distracted. I'm dwelling too much on the past. Oh gee really? Who does that?...

Bike week sucks.
I got a sidekick 3...to stave off boredom. Kickjanice@tmail.com
Fxcsuxlikewhoa <-------- AIM
386.847.6256

I saw the Other Boleyn Girl last night with my mom and it sucked. I loved the book but god did they fuck up the movie. It was so choppy, the editing sucked and Natalie Portman was not Anne Boleyn at all. She overacted quite badly. The movie didn't even make sense it was so chopped up. There was no time during the movie that showed that Anne and Henry VIII were actually happy together for a time. And helllllllooo he totally didn't rape her in real life. It was like chopping off heads left and right wasn't bad enough, they had to add rape to his rap sheet.

Ok I'm tired.

<3<3<3

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 02:17:33 GMT

complete. exhaustion.
that pretty much sums up life in two words.

seriously, it's like i pms 3 weeks out of the month
because of all the goddamn estrogen flying around.
yeah i mostly love my job.
except for the 6 meltdowns i've had, but that's ok.
it's partially because my finances are a wreck, but uhhh...yeah.
(sallie mae, burn in a lake of fire)

i've met so many awesome people lately.
i wish i could clone myself, things would be a lot
easier if i could.
speaking of cloning
i was cutting this girls hair today
and she was talking about how many times they've
cloned fidel castro.
i wanted to be like,
'bitch, they can't even keep a cloned sheep alive'
but i just kept my mouth shut instead.

i'm getting my hair did tomorrow
because my roots are past
sarah jessica parker cute
and are looking more like
trailer trash chic.

last night i went to aloma bowl with girls from the salon
and a various entourage of boyfriends etc.
i didn't bowl, but i DID beat tesia's ass at air hockey.
then i went to the green parrot with some other people
including a drunk ass jess
there's something rather disconcerting about
shit-faced middle aged people singing along to
jimmy eat world.
needless to say i went to bed late
and was dragging ass today.

i'm doing ok
still mildly annoyed (confused?),
but only by the entire spanish language
and the beatles,
see it's getting better?

i want to move to denmark.

<3<3<3

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 02:48:36 GMT

oh my god.
men are idiots.

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 02:48:50 GMT

i'm pmsing.
so that means everything is making me cry.
examples:
-the movie juno.
-the end of the book i just read.
-the special hell that is putting brody to bed.
-brad renfro dying (ok, so i didn't actually cry. but it's very sad)

fuck it.

<3<3<3

tonight was the first time in a long time...

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 07:05:01 GMT

...that i didn't think
about anything.
it's about time.
i need to stop being so analytical.
it's driving me fucking crazy.

i am the bullet, you are the bullseye.

I'm living on shattered faith, the kind that likes to restrict your breath.

<3<3<3

Happy 4th birthday, Brody!!!!!

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

metal heart, you're not worth a thing...

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

Katy and I are probably offensive.

<3<3<3

i'm really sick of the religious right. <3<3<3

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

suffer the consequences.

<3<3<3

you and me, love and pain.

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

<3<3<3

tonight was the first time in a long time...

<3<3<3

i'm really sick of the religious right.

<3<3<3